Two Months

Well, a lot has happened (and a lot has not) in the last month. Liam is now 2 months and today is New Years Day. The last post, I wrote about my frustrations with nursing. That very afternoon, I found someone who was willing to donate breast milk to me and loan me her electric pump. She even gave me a list of supplements to take and really good instructions on how to get my supply up. So I have spent the past month trying to adhere to those instructions, putting aside many things (and neglecting my other 3 children) in an effort to get my milk supply up. I was determined.

Thats why it makes me terribly sad to say that I have decided today that Im done trying to build up my milk supply. Im really disappointed with myself, but I realize that after struggling with it for so long, I have to choose: the rest of my life or continue to pursue nursing exclusively. There is only so long that I can neglect my other children, husband, home and school for and it is really starting to take a toll on my overall satisfaction and sense of accomplishment. Every waking moment of my day was consumed with nursing, pumping, taking supplements, drinking tea. If the baby slept, I had to choose between feeding my children, attempting to get some schoolwork done with them, or cleaning to keep the house in a state of semi-order. And the baby only sleeps twice a day for an hour or so! There isnt much time in there for anything resembling a schedule. And I dont deal well with chaos.

So as I put away the Christmas decorations today, wash the last pot from dinner last Friday(!) and promise my husband I will get his laundry done this weekend some time, it is a bittersweet decision I make to not pursue this anymore. My baby will still be healthy and I will have time and energy to put into being a better wife and mother. And I can stop calculating my self-worth based on this one aspect of my life.

I am going to keep up with my supplements. And I did learn that I dont have a let-down reflex (for all you who speak lactation-ese). That is terribly important when it comes to milk production. I really wish I would have had someone to guide me thru all this with Baby #1. Or 2, or 3. But I am coming out of this with more knowledge and a goal that if I ever have another baby, I will use all these techniques to get my supply built up in the first 2 weeks of nursing.
And hey, if I make it to 7 months nursing alongside the bottles of formula, I will have beaten my last record of 6 months. Maybe someday I will get this down.