It's no secret that I have been floundering to get my bearings for the last 2 years. Between having 2 babies and buying a home that needs a complete overhaul, any one would feel that way. I haven't really come out of it though. I have put it on hold for sickness, don't ask me to explain that completely, but the few moments of relief have been during illness! Overall, I have still been pushing myself to keep up with what I think I *should* be able to do. It's not really working!
I have written before about how difficult breastfeeding has been for me. How I have worked hard with each baby to get enough milk to feed them, taking supplements, pumping, generally exhausting myself. It has been work! Now I can say we have done it! I am able to feed this baby with just my milk and she is healthy and happy! It is a great feeling. But it is a reward that has come at a cost, which I am just now fully realizing and internalizing...
I used to think that failing at nursing was my body refusing to cooperate with what I needed it to do. I see now that I probably have been expecting my body to keep up with too much. I have tried to keep up with unpacking boxes, painting, decorating, building furniture, gardening, homeschooling, sewing, taking phone calls of love sick family members, cooking gourmet meals, teaching Sunday school and countless other endeavors after just having given birth and trying to establish my milk supply. Never mind that I had a c-section for the birth of the 3rd child, that didn't keep me from jumping right back into the list of "have too's" that I keep for myself. Never mind that I had to put the baby down every time to do one of these. How could I not see that just the stress of doing these things was preventing me from having an adequate milk supply?
I was convinced that I could do all of it. Surely other women were doing the same thing and they seemed to have NO problem feeding their baby. Well, no one ever said they did it all, I just assumed it. I am both relieved and guilt stricken by that realization. Other nursing mothers don't do carpentry projects during their infant's nap time? Other nursing mothers don't even know what nap time is with an infant! Nursing mother's don't keep up with the laundry and have clean houses? No, they don't. They sacrifice all these thing so they can sit with their baby and do the best thing for the baby right now, which is feeding them!
Setting aside everything else to sit and nurse my baby has been difficult for me. I am used to having a bottle fed baby. Yes, I nursed them also, but I finished most feedings with a little bit of formula, and then the baby would sleep heavily and I went off to work on one of my "projects". It allowed me to gain a lot of confidence and skill that I use every day - for example, cooking new recipes from Gourmet magazine taught me how to actually cook! Sewing dresses for my nieces and friends weddings gave me the confidence to move on to building furniture. But doing all these projects meant sacrificing time with my infant and that time could have made all the difference in being successful at nursing. I really didn't see it as a problem at the time.
I forced myself to stay home with this baby. I did not enroll my children in summer sports. I quit teaching class at church. I let the house just get OUT OF CONTROL, all so I could sit still, relax and focus on feeding this baby. And it has worked.
The challenge I face now is keeping it that way. As the weeks passed by after the birth of our little girl, and we had a good milk supply established, we were starting to feel rested, the baby slept pretty well, I started adding chores in. First, the kitchen. Just the meals and the dishes. When we got that down, I started on the other chores: laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming. I even got around to mopping! I hadn't figured out how to get the shopping done yet, but I was feeling great about myself, about nursing, about being a more peaceful parent. And of course, with things going so well..... I took on more. Not only more, but I jumped ahead several steps. School started, we joined a club, and we were suddenly involved in several family events! And somewhere over head is a list of house projects and landscaping and sewing and crafts....
I found my balance and then threw it out the window again because I felt pushed to do it all! Its like this weird reflex - someone asks for something or suggest an activity and my arm twitches and flails above my head, going "I can do it!" The reality is I CAN'T! I have a hard time with that. I am so used to being the capable one that I am afraid to tell people NO. I feel pushed to be at church, at clubs, at dinners, when I KNOW that I am supposed to be at home! The worst part of it all is that for years my husband has been telling me the same thing! Being home and nursing my baby, cooking meals, cleaning, and teaching school IS my first priority, my most important job, but I am often willing to sacrifice it all for .... for what?
The praise or honor of helping others? The social atmosphere of church?
Is the root of my drive a pride issue? Most definitely!
A harsh realization: I am holding myself up to an impossible standard and reflecting that impossible standard to other women as one they should be striving for as well! By my trying to take it all on and be this "accomplished" stay home, homeschooling mom, I am encouraging others who might see me to do the same! What if other moms feel like they have to do that and are also short changing their families?!
I spread myself (and my children) thin and rarely see it is a problem, even when things start to fall below standard. The things that get sacrificed are things like meals, clean clothes, rest, family time.....I can't keep going like this. It is hard to say it, but I am going to be the one: I do not have to keep up (or stay ahead) of the pack! I am a mother first, my place is at home! My husband and my kids deserve to be first - first to be fed, be cleaned, be kissed and first to receive the gifts made by my hands. I cannot give any more energy outside the home until I get this well in hand and can recognize when I am stepping outside my boundaries.
You may disagree, but if I am failing there then I consider myself a failure. I don't want my children to grow up wishing I had spent more time with them, even though I home school. I don't want my husband to feel like the last man on the totem pole because I am rushing out the door to an event or church and didn't leave dinner for him. I want to nurse my baby and know I gave her everything I could, even if it means sacrificing having a clean home. I am ashamed to say that as bad as I can treat my family when I am under a *cough* self imposed deadline, I borderline abuse myself. I will put off basic things like sleep and showering to help someone else! I need to rest and take care of myself, and by doing this, I will take better care of my family!
Anyway, if you are wondering where I am, why I am not around, I am at home. Where I should be.
