Right now I am really happy that no one really reads this blog. Mostly because I have something to get off my chest, but also because then I dont have to answer any questions or worry about stepping on somebody's feelings (I hope).
SO I posted, um, a year ago or so about a boyfriend from high school that I had just recently come back into contact with. I wasnt sure how I really felt about it, how I was going to handle the situation, etc. So I did what I thought was best and cleared it with my husband first. He said "Sure, you already know whats wrong with him, whats the harm?" I laughed, said yeah, I guess, and then just tried to be polite and friendly, since at one point, we were friends. That was good.
Then came the opportunity to witness to him! Or so I thought.... Just to be clear, I have never really shared my faith with someone. I mean, I have given advice to non believers based clearly on scripture and my relationship with Jesus, but I dont think I have ever set out to discuss my faith with someone in depth and try to share its true meaning. This was especially difficult because, apparently, he had NO idea I was a christian when we had dated! WOW. That says a lot right there, about both of us. He had some questions. He is "atheist" It seemed like this could be an interesting path that God was taking me down and I decided to try to be faithful and let the Lord lead me in how to respond to questions, even taking time when I needed it to really reflect on things before answering. Months go by, and who knows, but it kind of feels like it was just another situation of an atheist interested in proving THEIR point, not really learning. Funny how people so wrapped up in "intelligence, understanding and open mindedness" can NOT be any of those things!
After that, our conversations again became polite exchanges of what we were up to, etc. I was informed he would be coming to visit in my area, since his family still lives here, and would I be around to visit? Hmmm. Hard to answer that. I didnt think it would be, but it was! Did I really want to see this person? Could I handle the possible temptations that might surface, seeing him after so long (I know, shocking). Could I bear the humiliation of being so completely physically repulsive, even though I have no physical interest in this person and am blessed to have a caring, attentive husband who loves me head to toe? Lets be honest here: No one wants to meet an ex-significant in less than perfect circumstances. My vanity definitely holds me hostage sometimes. Beyond all that, I could not obviously expect my husband to accept this person as a friend of mine. How can I have a friend, male, that is not approved of by my husband? Where was this friendship going? Did I really expect it to flourish, given history?
In the end, I asked my husband what to do and he very simply said that he was very uncomfortable with the situation and would ask that I not meet with him. So thats what I replied. And the response I got was... hurt. I did not visit him while he was here. I was tempted, but I remained faithful, praise God.
I only regret that I may have hurt him. Even after all that I went thru with this person, I have some strange pity for him. Some distinct sympathy that I can't quite define. I think that I feel sorry that I even corresponded with him and lead him to believe we were genuine friends, and then failed to be there. And a part of me suspects that this has happened to him before. I seriously doubt that I will get any more emails, and thats okay. I will keep praying for him though. If all that passed between us was only for him to hear the gospel, or help him answer any of his questions, then its not for nothing. I said that once a long time ago. But I know better now. Nothing is an accident. There is purpose in all that has happened, good or bad. It has shaped who I am, how I have responded to God's leading, and for that I feel blessed. I will trust that the Lord will show me how to handle any future correspondence...
