I am starting to reap the benefits of cutting out everything and focusing on home life! The house is more peaceful, the kids are more willing to do school work, the house is cleaner and we have more time for family fun. I have a few outside things, but they are limited to a Saturday church group and I finally have time to get more involved in my community as a member of a non-profit support group! Scheduling our week has helped make this possible!
Every morning after breakfast, the kids do the dishes and then we have school work time from 10-12 on days that we are home. Our days are laid out to help me focus on specific things because I get very overwhelmed with all the things that need to be done, especially in a house that is still in mid remodel! Maybe it would help if I shared how we are doing things right now...
Our week looks like this:
Yard and Garden - Sunday. This includes working on cars, mowing, gardening, working on the chicken coop, and working on outside projects like the shed. My husband will gladly cook breakfast or watch babies on this day so I can spend time painting or building. I try to prep food for my husband's lunches for the week.
Office Day - Monday. I check all emails, respond to messages, blog, make phone calls, order food or items online, print and copy, and do paperwork for the non-profit. It is also a day for me to clear junk mail off all the flat surfaces, plan a menu for the week, and start lining out Town Day.
Laundry Day - Tuesday. Obviously, we wash laundry. Every one gets their laundry done and we fold and put everything away (Yes, Mom, it is easier if you fold as it comes out of the dryer). I have used this day to switch out coats and shoes for the season, or bring out the next size of clothing for a child that has grown and put the old ones away. I DO NOT wash diapers on this day! It ties up to much time and prevents me from getting all the laundry done. They can be done any other day. Now that we are on top of the laundry, I hope to use the baby's afternoon nap time for sewing. This is a good day for kids to get baths and showers.
Cleaning Day -Wednesday. I know, lots of families do cleaning day on Friday. They might call it "Preparation Day". I find that I am an emotional wreck on Friday if we do all the cleaning on that day and we are FAR less likely to have dinner ready, which means I order in. No one wants a yelling, angry Mama when we are lighting the candles for Shabbat! So we clean Wednesday. We dust and vacuum, clean bathrooms and mop. If we don't get anything done in the kitchen beyond the dishes, I don't sweat it, since I will tackle that on Kitchen Day. The only reason the house stays remotely clean for Shabbat is because Thursday is....
Town Day!- Thursday. Our town day revolves around the lessons we are taking. Right now it is gymnastics. Before this it was Lego club and Town Day was on a different day. This is when I run errands. We might stop to visit people, mail letters and Netflix videos, buy eggs and milk, refill honey jars, doctor appointments, anything that requires driving. I try to limit it to this day. It works more than it doesn't.
Kitchen Day - Friday. I love cooking but I also love getting a break on Shabbat. I find it difficult to get a break on Shabbat if there is not enough food already prepared in the fridge. I use Friday to clean my kitchen, make bread, start or finish stock, start a meal in the crock pot, clean out the fridge, restock items. This is a good day for kids to get baths or showers. I try to have at least an extra dinner and breakfast ready for the next day. Sometimes I overbook myself and end up using Friday to play catch up everywhere or my husband has the day off and takes the older kids out to play, leaving me to watch toddlers and babies, in which case nothing really happens. And that is okay. Sometimes. I have learned the most important things I can do before Shabbat is a) make sure all the dishes are clean and the dishwasher is empty; b) have both diaper pails empty and all the diapers cleaned and c) wash all the hand towels and napkins. I throw a tablecloth on the table, even if we are having pizza, and that helps to set the tone for Shabbat.
Shabbat! - Everyone loads their own dishes after dinner and for the next day and on Saturday night, we run it so dishes are ready to be put away and we are back to work on Sunday! I might hand wash large bowls or pans, but I try to do them as we dirty them. And sometimes they just stay there for Sunday. It is important to take the tablecloth off the table after the kids go to bed that night. If it is still on for Sunday breakfast, we are all slower to get on with our day.
This is what works for us. It is super regimented, I know. Its important to realize that I don't do ALL of these things in one day. These are just things that I do on that day if they need to be done. For example: Haircuts? I try to do that on Cleaning Day, since the bathroom will need to be mopped afterwards. If I don't get to something, it is good to know I will have an appropriate time to schedule it in next week. Sometimes that works, and sometimes I just have to let it go because I can get really hung up on the things I DIDN'T get to and it prevents me from moving on with my day. I also tend to overlook the accomplishment of what I DID. I think it is important to find what works for you and keep tweaking it.
I still don't have time for any of my hobbies, but I have time for taking care of myself. I no longer have to fight to get a shower or take a bath. I've started a new moon spa time for myself! My day is packed, but I even squeeze in exercise. Getting up before the kids has helped a lot. If I get up at 6, I have an hour to check emails and have a cup of coffee while it is quiet. That goes a long way toward me being a more peaceful parent for the day.
I also have more time for my husband. If I'm up early, I can make lunch and breakfast for him. I am done with chores before dinner and can cuddle on the couch with him after babies go to bed instead of staying up to do laundry or fretting about something that is still wait to be attended to. I think he likes having more time with a wife that is not so tired :)
Last of all, I am still nursing our baby! She is 11 months old and we nurse several times a day still, without struggling to keep my supply up. That has been an enormous blessing and I will miss that time when she decides to wean.
I am thankful that we have stayed home and found a way to make our family and household run more smoothly. It is a sacrifice for me to give up all of the extra activities, but I would rather sacrifice my time than sacrifice my family. All the projects that I want to do will still be there later. My children won't. I want to encourage you to find a schedule. A rhythm. Its flexible because its structured. Its not perfect, but its working. I have been blessed by this and I hope you will be as well.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Monday, December 26, 2011
Lights in the darkness 2....
There it was - the true Light that illumines every person, coming in to the world.John1:9
Jesus said "I am the Light in the world.
He who follows Me will not walk in the darkness,
but will have the light that is life."John 8:!2
Therefore He says" Awake, O sleeper. Arise from the dead, and the Messiah shall shine upon you and give to you light." For you used to be darkness, but now, united with the Lord, you are light. Live like children of light.Eph. 5:14
Now.
You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do men light a lamp and put it under a bowl, but put it on a lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house.
In the same way, let your light shine before people,
so that they may see the good things you do
and praise your Father in heaven.Matt. 5:14-16
Lights in the darkness...
It is the evening of December 25th. There are snowflake banners draped over our windows. Smells of comfort foods permeate the air in the house and cookies and candies sit on a tray next to hot cocoa. Children can be heard squabbling in another room, arguing over their gifts and who's turn it is next.
Is is Christmas? Nope. Its Chanukah!
Given the above description, you would not look at our holiday celebrations and say to yourself "these kids are missing out", because they are not. There was no tree at our house, but there was magic when we lit the candles on the hanukkiah. There were no red bows or evergreen boughs decking our halls, but there was an atmosphere of thankfulness and honor for new traditions. Santa was no where to be found and no Christmas carols were sung, yet there were gifts received and gifts given, some made and some bought. There were no stockings, but there were giddy children gathered around to play with dreidels, teaching their father about the letters on the top and bartering for prizes they wanted from each other.
Best of all, no one is complaining of not having Christmas! That is music to my ears.
The children are all embracing the transition to celebrating only biblical feasts. The hardest transition has been for mom and dad. We grew up with Christmas stuff. The pressure to celebrate like everyone else is real and felt keenly. We are both feeling a bit alone and exposed right now, but we are both sure that if Messiah was here, he would not be celebrating Christmas, he would be celebrating Chanukah. So we will keep pressing on, abstaining from pagan holidays and embracing holy days and feasts celebrated by God's people. This is the Feast of Dedication and a great time to focus on being the light that we have been called to be.
I hope that you have a wonderful Chanukah. Shalom
Is is Christmas? Nope. Its Chanukah!
Given the above description, you would not look at our holiday celebrations and say to yourself "these kids are missing out", because they are not. There was no tree at our house, but there was magic when we lit the candles on the hanukkiah. There were no red bows or evergreen boughs decking our halls, but there was an atmosphere of thankfulness and honor for new traditions. Santa was no where to be found and no Christmas carols were sung, yet there were gifts received and gifts given, some made and some bought. There were no stockings, but there were giddy children gathered around to play with dreidels, teaching their father about the letters on the top and bartering for prizes they wanted from each other.
Best of all, no one is complaining of not having Christmas! That is music to my ears.
The children are all embracing the transition to celebrating only biblical feasts. The hardest transition has been for mom and dad. We grew up with Christmas stuff. The pressure to celebrate like everyone else is real and felt keenly. We are both feeling a bit alone and exposed right now, but we are both sure that if Messiah was here, he would not be celebrating Christmas, he would be celebrating Chanukah. So we will keep pressing on, abstaining from pagan holidays and embracing holy days and feasts celebrated by God's people. This is the Feast of Dedication and a great time to focus on being the light that we have been called to be.
I hope that you have a wonderful Chanukah. Shalom
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Holiday relief
I have a secret to share.
No, I'm not pregnant.
I just gave away ALL of our Christmas stuff away! Seriously. The tree, the lights, the ornaments and all the other decorations!
It is such a relief to be rid of it. Not only did I get rid of the boxes, but I got rid of the pressure to decorate and celebrate a holiday that I can't really verify scripturally, but I GAINED a lot of shelf space!
Shelf space during the clearing process; Christmas has left the building!
The sense of a burden having been lifted is amazing. I can watch television without feeling compelled to shop. I can keep money in my pocket and avoid holiday crowds if I want to. I am looking forward to that.
I am most excited that my husband is in total support this year. I asked before getting rid of stuff and he was just as confident in the decision. We have a set of traditions that we are using again from last year. We are using this lesson again as a template for our holiday. There are days to give as well as days to receive. Hardest of all is trying to keep our gift giving from creating extra clutter and waste from packaging in our house. I know, I have high standards for someone with a 6 month old at home!
Our Veggietales nativity set; miscellaneous holiday items kept
I saved decorations that could be used for other holidays - berry wreaths and the nativity scene, some lambs and angels. I am sure we can find uses for them. It has been fun to discuss the birth of Yeshua with our kids and clarify why we are not going to celebrate Christmas anymore. Let's hope they really do understand or there could be a lot of tears on December 25th!
No, I'm not pregnant.
I just gave away ALL of our Christmas stuff away! Seriously. The tree, the lights, the ornaments and all the other decorations!
It is such a relief to be rid of it. Not only did I get rid of the boxes, but I got rid of the pressure to decorate and celebrate a holiday that I can't really verify scripturally, but I GAINED a lot of shelf space!
Shelf space during the clearing process; Christmas has left the building!
The sense of a burden having been lifted is amazing. I can watch television without feeling compelled to shop. I can keep money in my pocket and avoid holiday crowds if I want to. I am looking forward to that.
I am most excited that my husband is in total support this year. I asked before getting rid of stuff and he was just as confident in the decision. We have a set of traditions that we are using again from last year. We are using this lesson again as a template for our holiday. There are days to give as well as days to receive. Hardest of all is trying to keep our gift giving from creating extra clutter and waste from packaging in our house. I know, I have high standards for someone with a 6 month old at home!
Our Veggietales nativity set; miscellaneous holiday items kept
I saved decorations that could be used for other holidays - berry wreaths and the nativity scene, some lambs and angels. I am sure we can find uses for them. It has been fun to discuss the birth of Yeshua with our kids and clarify why we are not going to celebrate Christmas anymore. Let's hope they really do understand or there could be a lot of tears on December 25th!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Managing our home
Last time I wrote about how I was learning to be a better wife and mother by simply staying home and saying NO to more activities. Now, I am still learning, so I am admitting that I sometimes (okay, often) slip on the "not over committing myself" thing. (I feel like I am at a support group, sharing my failures and looking for reassurance here. Not that there is anything wrong with that. There is probably more than one 12 step, self help book out there that I should be reading...)
Anyway, in all the chaos of life, I started looking for a way to make my day work for me. With the nursing, with classes for the older kids and with some decent amount of house keeping. What I found was a book called "Large Family Logistics". I have been following the author's blog for a while, admiring the false image of togetherness that I imagine her life to be. When I first got the book, I went right to the part about organizing my week.
Organizing your week is assigning a day of the week for certain jobs and tasks. For generations women have used this system to help them stay on top of chores like washing, mending, and running errands. Most people use a system that ends with Sunday as their day to rest and go to church. That doesn't really work at my house because we observe a Saturday sabbath. I have heard of other families that keep a Saturday sabbath using a similar system, but they all seem to use Friday to do their cleaning. That doesn't work for me either. I turn into an angry, frenzied housekeeper, rushing to get the house done and food prepared before we can kindle the sabbath lights, and berating everyone within ear's shot about the lousy job they are doing. That doesn't make for a very peaceful sabbath! I feel that the author of "Large Family Logistics" encourages the reader to find a schedule that works for them. The focus is on being home to actually care for your home and family.
Our week goes something like this -
Sunday is yard day, we work outside, clean out cars, clean out the chicken coop.
Monday, office day, when I do paper work and check emails, and, ideally, blog.
Tuesday is our town day. We have a club the older kids attend and I run as many errands as I can on that day, often leaving off less important ones for other days. Ideally, this would be our only day away from home, but keep reading.
Wednesday, kitchen day. If I'm thinking the night before, I start a batch of beef or chicken stock in my slow cooker and its ready on Wednesday. It is also the day that I precook extra meals or freeze or can foods. It helps that Tuesday is my day to shop.
Thursday is cleaning day. I find this helps me not go crazy, rushing to get everything done before 6 pm on erev shabbat.
Friday is laundry day, but right now we are committed to be at the boys' club that afternoon. If I work it right, I do laundry all week and we have time for folding in the morning.
The boys do school work after breakfast and their morning chores. We are working on getting to the fun stuff like art and field trips, something that I hope will happen when we are done with the club. So far this system is mostly working. It has really helped with prioritizing. If I don't get to a certain task on it's appointed day, often it just gets crossed off the list or bumped to next week.
We are slowly regaining the peace of our lives around here. Keep your chin up, it will get better :)
Anyway, in all the chaos of life, I started looking for a way to make my day work for me. With the nursing, with classes for the older kids and with some decent amount of house keeping. What I found was a book called "Large Family Logistics". I have been following the author's blog for a while, admiring the false image of togetherness that I imagine her life to be. When I first got the book, I went right to the part about organizing my week.
Organizing your week is assigning a day of the week for certain jobs and tasks. For generations women have used this system to help them stay on top of chores like washing, mending, and running errands. Most people use a system that ends with Sunday as their day to rest and go to church. That doesn't really work at my house because we observe a Saturday sabbath. I have heard of other families that keep a Saturday sabbath using a similar system, but they all seem to use Friday to do their cleaning. That doesn't work for me either. I turn into an angry, frenzied housekeeper, rushing to get the house done and food prepared before we can kindle the sabbath lights, and berating everyone within ear's shot about the lousy job they are doing. That doesn't make for a very peaceful sabbath! I feel that the author of "Large Family Logistics" encourages the reader to find a schedule that works for them. The focus is on being home to actually care for your home and family.
Our week goes something like this -
Sunday is yard day, we work outside, clean out cars, clean out the chicken coop.
Monday, office day, when I do paper work and check emails, and, ideally, blog.
Tuesday is our town day. We have a club the older kids attend and I run as many errands as I can on that day, often leaving off less important ones for other days. Ideally, this would be our only day away from home, but keep reading.
Wednesday, kitchen day. If I'm thinking the night before, I start a batch of beef or chicken stock in my slow cooker and its ready on Wednesday. It is also the day that I precook extra meals or freeze or can foods. It helps that Tuesday is my day to shop.
Thursday is cleaning day. I find this helps me not go crazy, rushing to get everything done before 6 pm on erev shabbat.
Friday is laundry day, but right now we are committed to be at the boys' club that afternoon. If I work it right, I do laundry all week and we have time for folding in the morning.
The boys do school work after breakfast and their morning chores. We are working on getting to the fun stuff like art and field trips, something that I hope will happen when we are done with the club. So far this system is mostly working. It has really helped with prioritizing. If I don't get to a certain task on it's appointed day, often it just gets crossed off the list or bumped to next week.
We are slowly regaining the peace of our lives around here. Keep your chin up, it will get better :)
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Changes
It's no secret that I have been floundering to get my bearings for the last 2 years. Between having 2 babies and buying a home that needs a complete overhaul, any one would feel that way. I haven't really come out of it though. I have put it on hold for sickness, don't ask me to explain that completely, but the few moments of relief have been during illness! Overall, I have still been pushing myself to keep up with what I think I *should* be able to do. It's not really working!
I have written before about how difficult breastfeeding has been for me. How I have worked hard with each baby to get enough milk to feed them, taking supplements, pumping, generally exhausting myself. It has been work! Now I can say we have done it! I am able to feed this baby with just my milk and she is healthy and happy! It is a great feeling. But it is a reward that has come at a cost, which I am just now fully realizing and internalizing...
I used to think that failing at nursing was my body refusing to cooperate with what I needed it to do. I see now that I probably have been expecting my body to keep up with too much. I have tried to keep up with unpacking boxes, painting, decorating, building furniture, gardening, homeschooling, sewing, taking phone calls of love sick family members, cooking gourmet meals, teaching Sunday school and countless other endeavors after just having given birth and trying to establish my milk supply. Never mind that I had a c-section for the birth of the 3rd child, that didn't keep me from jumping right back into the list of "have too's" that I keep for myself. Never mind that I had to put the baby down every time to do one of these. How could I not see that just the stress of doing these things was preventing me from having an adequate milk supply?
I was convinced that I could do all of it. Surely other women were doing the same thing and they seemed to have NO problem feeding their baby. Well, no one ever said they did it all, I just assumed it. I am both relieved and guilt stricken by that realization. Other nursing mothers don't do carpentry projects during their infant's nap time? Other nursing mothers don't even know what nap time is with an infant! Nursing mother's don't keep up with the laundry and have clean houses? No, they don't. They sacrifice all these thing so they can sit with their baby and do the best thing for the baby right now, which is feeding them!
Setting aside everything else to sit and nurse my baby has been difficult for me. I am used to having a bottle fed baby. Yes, I nursed them also, but I finished most feedings with a little bit of formula, and then the baby would sleep heavily and I went off to work on one of my "projects". It allowed me to gain a lot of confidence and skill that I use every day - for example, cooking new recipes from Gourmet magazine taught me how to actually cook! Sewing dresses for my nieces and friends weddings gave me the confidence to move on to building furniture. But doing all these projects meant sacrificing time with my infant and that time could have made all the difference in being successful at nursing. I really didn't see it as a problem at the time.
I forced myself to stay home with this baby. I did not enroll my children in summer sports. I quit teaching class at church. I let the house just get OUT OF CONTROL, all so I could sit still, relax and focus on feeding this baby. And it has worked.
The challenge I face now is keeping it that way. As the weeks passed by after the birth of our little girl, and we had a good milk supply established, we were starting to feel rested, the baby slept pretty well, I started adding chores in. First, the kitchen. Just the meals and the dishes. When we got that down, I started on the other chores: laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming. I even got around to mopping! I hadn't figured out how to get the shopping done yet, but I was feeling great about myself, about nursing, about being a more peaceful parent. And of course, with things going so well..... I took on more. Not only more, but I jumped ahead several steps. School started, we joined a club, and we were suddenly involved in several family events! And somewhere over head is a list of house projects and landscaping and sewing and crafts....
I found my balance and then threw it out the window again because I felt pushed to do it all! Its like this weird reflex - someone asks for something or suggest an activity and my arm twitches and flails above my head, going "I can do it!" The reality is I CAN'T! I have a hard time with that. I am so used to being the capable one that I am afraid to tell people NO. I feel pushed to be at church, at clubs, at dinners, when I KNOW that I am supposed to be at home! The worst part of it all is that for years my husband has been telling me the same thing! Being home and nursing my baby, cooking meals, cleaning, and teaching school IS my first priority, my most important job, but I am often willing to sacrifice it all for .... for what?
The praise or honor of helping others? The social atmosphere of church?
Is the root of my drive a pride issue? Most definitely!
A harsh realization: I am holding myself up to an impossible standard and reflecting that impossible standard to other women as one they should be striving for as well! By my trying to take it all on and be this "accomplished" stay home, homeschooling mom, I am encouraging others who might see me to do the same! What if other moms feel like they have to do that and are also short changing their families?!
I spread myself (and my children) thin and rarely see it is a problem, even when things start to fall below standard. The things that get sacrificed are things like meals, clean clothes, rest, family time.....I can't keep going like this. It is hard to say it, but I am going to be the one: I do not have to keep up (or stay ahead) of the pack! I am a mother first, my place is at home! My husband and my kids deserve to be first - first to be fed, be cleaned, be kissed and first to receive the gifts made by my hands. I cannot give any more energy outside the home until I get this well in hand and can recognize when I am stepping outside my boundaries.
You may disagree, but if I am failing there then I consider myself a failure. I don't want my children to grow up wishing I had spent more time with them, even though I home school. I don't want my husband to feel like the last man on the totem pole because I am rushing out the door to an event or church and didn't leave dinner for him. I want to nurse my baby and know I gave her everything I could, even if it means sacrificing having a clean home. I am ashamed to say that as bad as I can treat my family when I am under a *cough* self imposed deadline, I borderline abuse myself. I will put off basic things like sleep and showering to help someone else! I need to rest and take care of myself, and by doing this, I will take better care of my family!
Anyway, if you are wondering where I am, why I am not around, I am at home. Where I should be.
I have written before about how difficult breastfeeding has been for me. How I have worked hard with each baby to get enough milk to feed them, taking supplements, pumping, generally exhausting myself. It has been work! Now I can say we have done it! I am able to feed this baby with just my milk and she is healthy and happy! It is a great feeling. But it is a reward that has come at a cost, which I am just now fully realizing and internalizing...
I used to think that failing at nursing was my body refusing to cooperate with what I needed it to do. I see now that I probably have been expecting my body to keep up with too much. I have tried to keep up with unpacking boxes, painting, decorating, building furniture, gardening, homeschooling, sewing, taking phone calls of love sick family members, cooking gourmet meals, teaching Sunday school and countless other endeavors after just having given birth and trying to establish my milk supply. Never mind that I had a c-section for the birth of the 3rd child, that didn't keep me from jumping right back into the list of "have too's" that I keep for myself. Never mind that I had to put the baby down every time to do one of these. How could I not see that just the stress of doing these things was preventing me from having an adequate milk supply?
I was convinced that I could do all of it. Surely other women were doing the same thing and they seemed to have NO problem feeding their baby. Well, no one ever said they did it all, I just assumed it. I am both relieved and guilt stricken by that realization. Other nursing mothers don't do carpentry projects during their infant's nap time? Other nursing mothers don't even know what nap time is with an infant! Nursing mother's don't keep up with the laundry and have clean houses? No, they don't. They sacrifice all these thing so they can sit with their baby and do the best thing for the baby right now, which is feeding them!
Setting aside everything else to sit and nurse my baby has been difficult for me. I am used to having a bottle fed baby. Yes, I nursed them also, but I finished most feedings with a little bit of formula, and then the baby would sleep heavily and I went off to work on one of my "projects". It allowed me to gain a lot of confidence and skill that I use every day - for example, cooking new recipes from Gourmet magazine taught me how to actually cook! Sewing dresses for my nieces and friends weddings gave me the confidence to move on to building furniture. But doing all these projects meant sacrificing time with my infant and that time could have made all the difference in being successful at nursing. I really didn't see it as a problem at the time.
I forced myself to stay home with this baby. I did not enroll my children in summer sports. I quit teaching class at church. I let the house just get OUT OF CONTROL, all so I could sit still, relax and focus on feeding this baby. And it has worked.
The challenge I face now is keeping it that way. As the weeks passed by after the birth of our little girl, and we had a good milk supply established, we were starting to feel rested, the baby slept pretty well, I started adding chores in. First, the kitchen. Just the meals and the dishes. When we got that down, I started on the other chores: laundry, bathrooms, vacuuming. I even got around to mopping! I hadn't figured out how to get the shopping done yet, but I was feeling great about myself, about nursing, about being a more peaceful parent. And of course, with things going so well..... I took on more. Not only more, but I jumped ahead several steps. School started, we joined a club, and we were suddenly involved in several family events! And somewhere over head is a list of house projects and landscaping and sewing and crafts....
I found my balance and then threw it out the window again because I felt pushed to do it all! Its like this weird reflex - someone asks for something or suggest an activity and my arm twitches and flails above my head, going "I can do it!" The reality is I CAN'T! I have a hard time with that. I am so used to being the capable one that I am afraid to tell people NO. I feel pushed to be at church, at clubs, at dinners, when I KNOW that I am supposed to be at home! The worst part of it all is that for years my husband has been telling me the same thing! Being home and nursing my baby, cooking meals, cleaning, and teaching school IS my first priority, my most important job, but I am often willing to sacrifice it all for .... for what?
The praise or honor of helping others? The social atmosphere of church?
Is the root of my drive a pride issue? Most definitely!
A harsh realization: I am holding myself up to an impossible standard and reflecting that impossible standard to other women as one they should be striving for as well! By my trying to take it all on and be this "accomplished" stay home, homeschooling mom, I am encouraging others who might see me to do the same! What if other moms feel like they have to do that and are also short changing their families?!
I spread myself (and my children) thin and rarely see it is a problem, even when things start to fall below standard. The things that get sacrificed are things like meals, clean clothes, rest, family time.....I can't keep going like this. It is hard to say it, but I am going to be the one: I do not have to keep up (or stay ahead) of the pack! I am a mother first, my place is at home! My husband and my kids deserve to be first - first to be fed, be cleaned, be kissed and first to receive the gifts made by my hands. I cannot give any more energy outside the home until I get this well in hand and can recognize when I am stepping outside my boundaries.
You may disagree, but if I am failing there then I consider myself a failure. I don't want my children to grow up wishing I had spent more time with them, even though I home school. I don't want my husband to feel like the last man on the totem pole because I am rushing out the door to an event or church and didn't leave dinner for him. I want to nurse my baby and know I gave her everything I could, even if it means sacrificing having a clean home. I am ashamed to say that as bad as I can treat my family when I am under a *cough* self imposed deadline, I borderline abuse myself. I will put off basic things like sleep and showering to help someone else! I need to rest and take care of myself, and by doing this, I will take better care of my family!
Anyway, if you are wondering where I am, why I am not around, I am at home. Where I should be.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Time travel
Looking at the little, sleeping child next to me, I cannot imagine that she will ever be bigger than she is right now. I can't imagine that she will soon be running around and talking to me about her day or helping me in the kitchen. Right now, she is so little and constantly by my side.
It has been that way with every one of my children. Sure, I know they will grow up. Of course they will! It is just difficult to see it happening. I can't look around the house right now without seeing another one of my children, growing, changing, all at varying ages and stages, brought here by time travel. Seemingly created in this form, no one remembers how we got here, but here we all are, and they are older, bigger and more intelligent. My 10 year old is proof that children grow, and they do it quickly.
I held him once and marveled at the endless possibility of his future, how vast it seemed in its limitless potential and impossible to know or foresee. I know the same will be true for this little girl I hold now. It may not seem like it, especially on the days when she is unhappy or needs to be in constant contact physically with me, but someday she will have all the abilities to stand on her own. She will speak her mind and make her own decisions and have to accept consequences, all on her own. If I'm lucky, I will be there to comfort, console and counsel.
We are unable to record or recollect every moment of our children's lives (well, you could record it, but that is a lot of work and slightly creepy). Instead, we catch those expressions that they have been making since day 1 or 2, or we hear them saying a phrase they used as a toddler or preschooler, and it jogs our memory and we get a chance to
travel back in time. The best part is that we get to take them with us in a way. as we share those stories with them. Its like our own little time machine.I will try to cherish every moment I have with this babe. There may be days that I wish she was feeding herself or able to help me with laundry, but these are also days that I will never get back and she will never be this small again. Small enough to be cuddled in the crook of my elbow and the curve of my neck. Small enough to remind me of how it felt to have her somersaulting in my belly.
This summer has flown by while I have been inside, slowing down time, absorbing every moment of her first days. I didn't get to soak up the sun, but I basked in the smiles and sighs of my little one. That's what my time machine runs on.
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