Today our baby is one month old. Today is also the first day I have given him a bottle, with formula in it. It was not an easy decision to come to. The last month has been wonderful, but also full of fussing and a never ending demand to feed. It has been, at times, completely overwhelming and frustrating. There were days that I literally spent 90% of my waking time with a baby attached to my chest! And that makes for a grumpy, hungry mom, especially when the baby doesnt seemed to be satisfied after all that work.
Now, as I type this, he is sleeping peacefully on the bed next to me. There has not been a time when he has slept this soundly, at least not in the last week or two. At the beginning of this nursing adventure, he had days when he would sleep for an hour or two. Recently it has only been when he is in the car seat while we are running errands. I cant believe I waited this long to give him what he wanted: more food! I really wanted to exclusively nurse this time though. The last 3 babies have all been bottle and breastfed, at the advice of my doctor who decided that they were just not gaining weight at a good rate. Then there was the suggestion that maybe my doctor was just a "formula pusher" and my milk would have been enough if I had just hung in there a little longer (not that I quit nursing when I started bottlefeeding). So this time I held out, taking all the nursing advice I could, convinced I could do it. Apparently, I cant. The determining factor was that today, at one month, our little guy is not back up to his birth weight. I am thankful that my husband helped to make this decision and has been encouraging this whole time.
It makes my chest hurt (both figuratively and literally) knowing that I just cant provide enough milk to sustain him. It shouldnt, but it does, make me feel like the littlest bit of a failure. On the other hand, I had the joy of sitting quietly with my infant, who was smiling and cooing, after taking 2 oz after nursing, and seeing the complete change in his disposition. I thought he was just an angry baby... He must have been hungry! And now he is sleeping.
I have several drafted posts from the last 6 months waiting to be published, some complete, some started and then forgotten. I will catch up someday. But let me at least say thank you for all your prayers during this pregnancy and delivery. They did not go unheard and my prayers were answered.
2 comments:
Morhu. . . . . . :( So sorry. I know that you really wanted this to work out. I hope I didn't give you any bad advice!
I think that in the end, our success or failure as a mom is less dependent on how he gets his milk than on other things. You are a good mama to give up what you want for what is best for the little one. Big hugs to you tonight!
I was thinking this morning that it definitely shows amazing strength and persistence for you to have tried so much and so long, without sleep no less! Early postpartum is no picnic!
And major kudos to Hubby, I know the baby not sleeping affects the whole house.
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