At what point do we stop blaming everyone else for our problems? When do we actually look at ourselves as the cause, and not just the effected? Are we too self centered to see these things? Do we really believe that the actions taken against us are all in malice, or are they reactive? If we trace it all back, where does it go wrong? And who's fault is it REALLY? If we could instantly remove that belief, that we are justified in our actions, then could we possibly change the result - the reciprocated action? Would the means create a new end?
Most definitely.
This is the situation that I find myself in. Something that I have long believed to be one way, and in fact, held as such truth I would have staked my life on it, has been openly denounced as false! Painfully honest is hard to ignore. And I can completely see it as they do, which makes me ashamed at my own behavior. Im sure this is the response that the divulgence was intended to illicit, but all the same, I feel it truly.
So what do I do?
I know that the "lets just see how this goes" attitude gets along for a bit but eventually becomes lazy and reverts to the old behavior. I can only attempt to be at once different. In a sense, this means to start at the beginning. At least for this kind of thing. Old ground has to be recovered, with fresh eyes, ears and hearts. Like looking for a lost ring. If you retrace your steps, you have to be more vigillant than before, more attentive to the things you missed. It could all be uphill, but I see no other way.
Only now do I see the things the Lord has been speaking to me about this week. And Im not sure I get it all completely, but Im listening.
I realize that this is all extremely vague, but such are feelings. Pray that I will embrace this change wholeheartedly and with vigour. It could mean everything.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
German parents post baby on ebay for 1 Euro http://ap.peninsulaclarion.com/pstories/world/europe/20080524/282540842.shtml
Wow.
I know how they feel. Somedays you just want to get rid of your kid. But WOW.
Wow.
I know how they feel. Somedays you just want to get rid of your kid. But WOW.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Fuzzy friend
Last fall, the kids and I found a fuzzy caterpillar. He was pretty- All black with orange markings. After much research, I determined that it is some kind of fuzzy bear caterpillar, some kind of tiger moth, although I could find none identical to it in any book and no reason that it should be in Alaska at all. So we put it in a baby wipe container packed with leaves, to winter under the porch, with the intention of building a butterfly cage in the spring.
Now, spring came late this year, so we just pulled it out from under the porch about a week ago. We added what green leaves we could find, put in a wet cotton ball for water, and set the container in the garden until the cage is built. Too late! The kids opened the container 2 days ago and it has made a cuccoon on the side wall! Its an interesting cuccoon, dark and fuzzy, but you can see inside of it also. It even looks a little bigger in there today then it did yesterday! So we will keep checking it daily so we will be sure not to miss the wonder of a butterfly/moth emerging. Here are some pics of our little friend from yesterday:
Friday, May 2, 2008
Real learning
Just like nobody really tells you how hard raising kids will be,
Nobody REALLY tells you how difficult that first year of homeschool will be.
For me, it has been a rollercoaster. I have learned so much this past year about my sons and about myself as their teacher and mother. And Im glad to say that my ideas (or rather, ideals) about teaching them at home have changed a lot since last spring. I am even more resolved to continue homeschooling than I was before. .
Many of my friends, and family, are school teachers. I love them all and I love that all of them teach because they love to learn themselves. I wouldnt discourage them from their jobs. But I cannot support a public school system as the only means of teaching our children. Im not un-American. Im un-communist.
Yep, look it up. Kindergarten is a German word and a German institution, although the beginning of mass schooling began WAY before Nazi Germany. If you wanted to turn out (cultivate) an army with one mind, one way of thinking, you would need to start when they were children and teach them all the same thing. Not only that, but you would have to find a way to squash and exterminate any sense of self or free thought. Its my opinion that the majority of American public schools do just this thing. (Ill leave this subject now, but my suggestion to all of you is to at least read "Dumbing Us Down" by John Taylor Gatto, which incedently has nothing to do with Nazi's, that's from another book i cant remember but wholly support)
How many of you hated school? Did you love to learn? How does that work? I love to learn. I could read at a "highschool" level as an 8 year old. And somehow, by the time I was in 7th or 8th grade, I was keenly aware that I had been learning the same thing for a few years now and had only the same to look forward to for the next few years to come. The same curriculum, taught almost the same exact way, to every age group year after year. Monotony! So the only thing I could do was NOT do it! What other option did I have? I certainly wasnt learning and they certainly wouldnt let me learn on my own. So I protested in the only way I could control. Of course, a lot of schools have programs for this, but mine didnt, at least none that applied to my specific abilities, nor was I caught at the right age . So for me, the large part of my education has been obtained by me AFTER leaving the public school system. That means I have done most of my learning as an adult instead of as a child, like we should.
Children are like sponges. You hear it all the time, "dont say that, the kids will repeat it" You bet they will. And lots of other things you never thought they even heard. They can find sense where adults dont, accept truths where adults are unwilling to and find joy where adults cant imagine. The largest part of learning in a child comes thru play and from time to think. If we are constantly bombarding our kids with information and text books and rules for homework, not to mention modern entertainment, when are they getting time to think or play or internalize anything? Thats a big part of what I have seen this year. Im a public schooled parent trying to cut thru the jungle of proposed necessities of higher education, to find my kid and help him reach his full potential. Every time i tried to teach my kids like we were having "real" school, they fought me. They know that's not fun. They know its like prison. People arent made to learn like that.
So now Im kind of back to the beginning. My biggest hope for this year is to spend time exploring life with my kids, letting them learn where they find something of interest. Taking time to allow that everyday tasks and household chores are all part of learning to be an adult, of learning to be part of a community. If I can help them enjoy learning this year, then i will consider myself a success. Cause isnt that what its all about? A joy and appetite for life long learning?
Nobody REALLY tells you how difficult that first year of homeschool will be.
For me, it has been a rollercoaster. I have learned so much this past year about my sons and about myself as their teacher and mother. And Im glad to say that my ideas (or rather, ideals) about teaching them at home have changed a lot since last spring. I am even more resolved to continue homeschooling than I was before. .
Many of my friends, and family, are school teachers. I love them all and I love that all of them teach because they love to learn themselves. I wouldnt discourage them from their jobs. But I cannot support a public school system as the only means of teaching our children. Im not un-American. Im un-communist.
Yep, look it up. Kindergarten is a German word and a German institution, although the beginning of mass schooling began WAY before Nazi Germany. If you wanted to turn out (cultivate) an army with one mind, one way of thinking, you would need to start when they were children and teach them all the same thing. Not only that, but you would have to find a way to squash and exterminate any sense of self or free thought. Its my opinion that the majority of American public schools do just this thing. (Ill leave this subject now, but my suggestion to all of you is to at least read "Dumbing Us Down" by John Taylor Gatto, which incedently has nothing to do with Nazi's, that's from another book i cant remember but wholly support)
How many of you hated school? Did you love to learn? How does that work? I love to learn. I could read at a "highschool" level as an 8 year old. And somehow, by the time I was in 7th or 8th grade, I was keenly aware that I had been learning the same thing for a few years now and had only the same to look forward to for the next few years to come. The same curriculum, taught almost the same exact way, to every age group year after year. Monotony! So the only thing I could do was NOT do it! What other option did I have? I certainly wasnt learning and they certainly wouldnt let me learn on my own. So I protested in the only way I could control. Of course, a lot of schools have programs for this, but mine didnt, at least none that applied to my specific abilities, nor was I caught at the right age . So for me, the large part of my education has been obtained by me AFTER leaving the public school system. That means I have done most of my learning as an adult instead of as a child, like we should.
Children are like sponges. You hear it all the time, "dont say that, the kids will repeat it" You bet they will. And lots of other things you never thought they even heard. They can find sense where adults dont, accept truths where adults are unwilling to and find joy where adults cant imagine. The largest part of learning in a child comes thru play and from time to think. If we are constantly bombarding our kids with information and text books and rules for homework, not to mention modern entertainment, when are they getting time to think or play or internalize anything? Thats a big part of what I have seen this year. Im a public schooled parent trying to cut thru the jungle of proposed necessities of higher education, to find my kid and help him reach his full potential. Every time i tried to teach my kids like we were having "real" school, they fought me. They know that's not fun. They know its like prison. People arent made to learn like that.
So now Im kind of back to the beginning. My biggest hope for this year is to spend time exploring life with my kids, letting them learn where they find something of interest. Taking time to allow that everyday tasks and household chores are all part of learning to be an adult, of learning to be part of a community. If I can help them enjoy learning this year, then i will consider myself a success. Cause isnt that what its all about? A joy and appetite for life long learning?
True Freedom
What is freedom?
Is it the ability to do what you want, when you want? Is it the opportunity to express yourself without fear of censure? Is it the feeling you get when you run away from your kids for the night to sip cocktails with your friends?
TRUE freedom is a freedom that comes only from Christ.
In this life, we are in a constant struggle between wanting to do good and the desires to disregard all rules and do as we wish. We know that if we do the latter of the two, there will repercussions. Sometimes to others, and yet always to us. If you are a Christian, you know that breaking the "rules" is a sin. That sin will lead to permanent seperation from God. And yet, we all fail sometimes in our attempts to find our way thru this world to Him. We mess up. We hurt people. We withdraw from God or lie right to His face. And while we are in these bodies, we will always struggle with that, because that is the nature of flesh: to survive, by whatever selfish means necessary.
In fact, one could say that those selfish desires are the very reason we sin. We want so badly to survive. Even as we are living, breathing beings, we are struggling for survival on a physical AND spiritual level.
What is the one thing that every peson is afraid of? Death. Eternal seperation from what we know as life and what we know or desire of love. We all search after love. I say that what we really search after is eternal love. God's love. It is His love that we all are looking for. His love that we are all afraid of being without for eternity. And why shouldnt we be? He made us to love us. To be without that would be worse than death. If we are all going thru life, searching for His love, yet constantly sinning while in pursuit of it, couldnt we say that we all stumble because of FEAR of being without that love? We sin and are seperated. We sin because we are afraid of being seperated. We are locked up by this fear. We are prisoners. After all, you cant serve the Lord if you are bound in a dark prison of fear. You will never grow, never love and never rise above. We are stuck sinning.
What happens if you remove the seperation? Remove the sins? Then fear dissappears. The chains are removed. Well, Christ did that.
Christ came to pay a cost. Christ conquered death, once and for all, for all who believe. He is King and Saviour. He IS our redeemer, removing all our fear of death and the bondage created by that fear, which is expressed as sin. Therefore we can enter into freedom as believers because we have been released from the bondage of sin -which leads to death. If we believe that Christ came to remove all blemish and sin and seperation between God and us, then what do we have to fear? NOTHING!!
How much easier would it be if we could keep that as the divider between our actions, thoughts, words and the world? That since we have no need for fear, we have no need to sin. We dont have to sin! If only we could remind ourselves of that truth constantly. Thats TRUE freedom.
Questions to ask ourselves in practice:
Why did/do I do that?
What am I afraid of? Why?
Can God take care of that?
If I cant have it my way, will I be satisfied with God's way?
Can I handle it with love instead of fear next time?
Is it the ability to do what you want, when you want? Is it the opportunity to express yourself without fear of censure? Is it the feeling you get when you run away from your kids for the night to sip cocktails with your friends?
TRUE freedom is a freedom that comes only from Christ.
In this life, we are in a constant struggle between wanting to do good and the desires to disregard all rules and do as we wish. We know that if we do the latter of the two, there will repercussions. Sometimes to others, and yet always to us. If you are a Christian, you know that breaking the "rules" is a sin. That sin will lead to permanent seperation from God. And yet, we all fail sometimes in our attempts to find our way thru this world to Him. We mess up. We hurt people. We withdraw from God or lie right to His face. And while we are in these bodies, we will always struggle with that, because that is the nature of flesh: to survive, by whatever selfish means necessary.
In fact, one could say that those selfish desires are the very reason we sin. We want so badly to survive. Even as we are living, breathing beings, we are struggling for survival on a physical AND spiritual level.
What is the one thing that every peson is afraid of? Death. Eternal seperation from what we know as life and what we know or desire of love. We all search after love. I say that what we really search after is eternal love. God's love. It is His love that we all are looking for. His love that we are all afraid of being without for eternity. And why shouldnt we be? He made us to love us. To be without that would be worse than death. If we are all going thru life, searching for His love, yet constantly sinning while in pursuit of it, couldnt we say that we all stumble because of FEAR of being without that love? We sin and are seperated. We sin because we are afraid of being seperated. We are locked up by this fear. We are prisoners. After all, you cant serve the Lord if you are bound in a dark prison of fear. You will never grow, never love and never rise above. We are stuck sinning.
What happens if you remove the seperation? Remove the sins? Then fear dissappears. The chains are removed. Well, Christ did that.
Christ came to pay a cost. Christ conquered death, once and for all, for all who believe. He is King and Saviour. He IS our redeemer, removing all our fear of death and the bondage created by that fear, which is expressed as sin. Therefore we can enter into freedom as believers because we have been released from the bondage of sin -which leads to death. If we believe that Christ came to remove all blemish and sin and seperation between God and us, then what do we have to fear? NOTHING!!
How much easier would it be if we could keep that as the divider between our actions, thoughts, words and the world? That since we have no need for fear, we have no need to sin. We dont have to sin! If only we could remind ourselves of that truth constantly. Thats TRUE freedom.
Questions to ask ourselves in practice:
Why did/do I do that?
What am I afraid of? Why?
Can God take care of that?
If I cant have it my way, will I be satisfied with God's way?
Can I handle it with love instead of fear next time?
Who am I?
Well here it is. The first blog posting. And where do i go from here?
I have inner dialogues, more of essays, that have lesson's i cant bear to let go of yet. And so if i put them down here, maybe they will find their way into my bones. Into my everyday habits.
Who am I? I am an artist who doesnt paint, but raises children. Who doesnt work, but spends my day on foot, chasing dreams and sweeping dirt. I am a dancer who has stage fright. I am a romantic trapped in a divorced world. I am a perfectionist who never finishes a project. I am a minimalist who saves everything for recycling. I am a best friend who never calls. I am a homebody who is always on the go.
I am a Christian.
So I am full of contradictions, except the last one. Thats the only bit of truth I need.
I once saw a church reader-board that said:
"Now accepting applications for membership...Perfect people need not apply"
That made me smile.
I am not perfect.
I have inner dialogues, more of essays, that have lesson's i cant bear to let go of yet. And so if i put them down here, maybe they will find their way into my bones. Into my everyday habits.
Who am I? I am an artist who doesnt paint, but raises children. Who doesnt work, but spends my day on foot, chasing dreams and sweeping dirt. I am a dancer who has stage fright. I am a romantic trapped in a divorced world. I am a perfectionist who never finishes a project. I am a minimalist who saves everything for recycling. I am a best friend who never calls. I am a homebody who is always on the go.
I am a Christian.
So I am full of contradictions, except the last one. Thats the only bit of truth I need.
I once saw a church reader-board that said:
"Now accepting applications for membership...Perfect people need not apply"
That made me smile.
I am not perfect.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)